Rejections
Welcome back to a Writer in the Woods. This month I’ll be yammering about how I deal with rejection and the intrusive thoughts that follow.
But first some updates…
Spooky Action at a Distance is getting closer and closer to coming out. I am excited, and nervous all at the same time. Until then, you can find preview short stories on Uncomfortably Dark’s Patreon that will introduce some of the characters and their world of ghosts, guns and magic. To read a preview of one of those shorts be sure to check out the Patreon here. You can also find it on my home page.
I’ve been invited to do a podcast this month called: Conversations with Se'an on YouTube. I’ll be recording my episode on the 25th and will post on all my socials as soon as it airs. I’m always happy to have a conversation, especially when I don’t have to leave my house, so if you do have a podcast and need a quirky dark fiction writer, don’t be afraid to ask.
Both of the projects I worked on with Onyx Path are still in production, but I’ve gotten word that both crowdfunding campaigns have gone well. Keep a look out for Curseborne: Seattle, City of Curses and Covenant horror TTRPGs in 2027.
All right, let’s get to it.
Recently I read a psychology book called Social Pain. I read it to research a WIP that delves into what I like to call delusional grief. This is sadness so deep we create our own reality where the tragedy which caused it never existed. (The book isn’t done yet, sorry). The research book explained how social hurts such as, bullying, abandonment and rejection can actually trigger the same neurons in a person’s brain that signals the body to feel pain. Wild right? The science behind it was complex, and it took me weeks because I had to stop and look up words and previous theories, but it was a great read.
This brings me to writing rejections. As writers, we can’t escape it. You see, when it comes to any creative endeavor, rejection is commonplace. No matter how much you research, or try to fit into some kind of mold, art is subjective. What one person sees, hears, or reads can cause completely different emotions than the ones of another person who experiences the same art.
(A small portions of rejections for Spooky Action at a Distance last year)
After years of rejections, I can honestly say I’ve become numb to it. Yet there is a cycle my brain goes through before getting to this point. I see the form letter and immediately try to break down what exactly it was that got the story rejected. Was it because the writing was bad? Was it because the story didn’t make sense? These are good questions because the only way to get better is to not only analyze success but also failures.
The problem comes when my neurodivergent brain moves from these normal questions and to the ones that can cause social pain. Is it because I’m a BIPOC woman? Is it because of what I posted last week? Did the person I submit to not like me when we met at so and so event? Do people not see me as a real writer?
Now, don’t get me wrong, some of those questions are valid. I don’t like to believe gender, sexuality and race have anything to do with the evaluation of my talent, but let’s be real, for some presses they do. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can do about that, so I find it best to observe these truths and move on. The questions that aren’t valid are usually linked to intrusive thoughts. These are the questions which attack me on a personal level. They can plague my neurodivergent brain like a damn tornado if I’m not careful. The answers are never positive and only lead to a spiral of irrational conclusions.
So how do I deal with it? First, I have to observe the thoughts, give them space so they don’t return over and over again. This helps me to keep the questions from spiraling into darker ones. Once that is done, I replace the intrusive thoughts with ones based in empathy. For example: I take a question like, “Did they hate me at that event,” and break it down with my own reality:
I am exhausted after a convention. The last thing I want to do is come home and go through all the people I met to assign tags of like or dislike. Remembering everyone’s name is hard enough. More than likely, the occurrence I am running through my head over and over again barely registered with the person I was speaking to. Plus, that particular person is probably sitting at their house right now trying to get work done. So no, they don’t hate me, they are just doing their job and rejecting my story is part of that. Now, stop wasting time, submit it to another place and get your ass back to work. Love you bitch.
(Yeah, that’s my actual inner dialogue.)
Rejection sucks and when you have a brain that can over analyze the situation, it can be hard to escape the whirlwind of doubt that comes with it. Truth is, rejection is nothing more than a signal to improve, and/or move on to the next opportunity. It takes practice, and I promise after the first hundred or so it gets easier. It also makes the “yesses,” feel that much sweeter.
Anyway, thanks for hanging for the rant. If you’re finding yourself incapacitated by your last rejection, don’t feel bad. It happens to me too. Just do your best to remember that you weren’t rejected, the piece of work was, and only for now. I dear reader will continue to do the same.
Until next time,
Millie
This month's Moment of Peace
Off trail at Lost Lake in Boulder, Colorado
Comments