Emotional Suppression and Neurodivergence
- authormillieprice
- Apr 24
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 13
Hello and welcome back to A Writer in the Woods. This month I’ll be talking about the ups and downs of using emotional suppression as a coping mechanism. In other words, turning off all emotions so my reactions are based on rational thought.
But first some updates...
The Sleeper, a story of a twenty-something woman who gets the power to cause accidents with her art, is in the query trenches, but responses have been slow, and those that have come back are rejections. I’ll keep it in the trenches for a bit longer before submitting to small presses.
I’m working on a new novella called Silent Voices which won’t be a sequel to SAAD, but will have a tie-in side character I think readers will adore. The story follows Colorado Bureau of Investigation’s agent Jesse Alvarado as she seeks out answers to her brother’s disappearance. (Yes, it is a creature feature.)
I've posted a few Short Stories on the site. Check them out for free.
I’m wrapping up my second project for Onyx Path Publishing’s Curseborne series, and then I'll be taking a break to finish my new novella.
A new Colorado based podcast called Uncanny Women Podcast has asked me to be a guest. I will be recording my session in May. Watch my Socials and Home Page to find out when it airs.
All right, let’s get to it.
Sometime in my youth I developed a talent to switch off my emotions. I’m sure it has to do with trauma since there were times I desperately needed a way to disengage from situations. No matter the reason, however, it is now a part of my being, of who I am. You see, dear reader, one thing I am not is unemotional, the complete opposite in fact. My emotions can control me like a damn joystick if I’m not careful. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, pretty much any reason can send me to tears. It took a few years of therapy to understand that it happens because my brain is not good at processing emotions. I have them, in abundance, but understanding them is another thing. It seems like such an easy task right? If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. Well, the problem is, sometimes, I simply don’t know. My body knows, my hands may clap, but by the time I figure out why, the emotion has passed and I find myself confused. It’s like getting on a roller coaster and feeling the fear after the ride has ended. It can be annoying, and worse; it hinders my ability to deal with social situations.
That’s where emotional suppression comes in, or what I like to call “the switch”. I imagine it as a light switch in the center of my chest. It’s off white, like the old ones you used to see in apartment buildings. Etched into the sides of it are the words “On” and “Off”. I would really like to have a label that falls in between, but I haven’t figured out how to get there yet, so for now I am either filled with emotions, or completely devoid of them. If you’ve met me, or seen me at conventions, I may look a bit blank in this state. As if I’m waiting to be prompted like a computer. I have been called many names because of it: Robot, Android, Automaton or even Spock or Data. (Yeah, I like Trekkies). Hell, just last month my own mother told me she forgets that I’m human sometimes. (It was supposed to be a compliment, I think.)
I’ll be completely honest. I prefer living without emotions. To let my rational mind take over for good would probably make it much easier to deal with the day-to-day chaos which seems to be permeating our world. I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to understand my or other people’s reactions and I wouldn’t have to spend so much of my day managing my brain. Living like that, however, not only makes me kind of a shitty person, but it also makes me a shitty writer and artist. Computers can’t create desire, hate or love and neither can I when I’m in that state, so eventually I have to return to the human I actually am. That’s when the downside to emotional suppression takes hold.
If I limit the suppression to a few hours, I’m usually good, the flood gates open but it’s only a trickle of emotion. When the switch is turned off for days, which is what I usually do during conventions, or more recently public engagements, things get tricky. I return home; flip the switch and every emotion I suppressed comes rushing back. Whether it be a moment were I was upset with a comment someone made, or a feeling of elation over seeing someone I adore, all that shit hits me at the same time. Let me tell you dear reader, I am not a fun person to be around when it happens. Sometimes I have crying fits that last for over an hour, sometimes I move my body to loud music until my bones and muscles ache, and sometimes I just stare into the void.
Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out any other way to deal and cope with the chaos junkie that is my brain, so this is the best I can do. There have been times when someone will poke at the automaton, and I’m sure they’ll tell you they’ll never do it again. I mean, seriously, when I’m in that mode, it’s for a reason and forcing me to flip the switch is not a good idea. I may seem a bit distant, or off, but I’m soaking it all in, I promise. If you want a true response, give me a couple days to process and then ask for an emotional reaction. Just be prepared for the paragraphs of feelings that will follow.
In the end I have come to accept that it is what it is, and what it is, is me. I am not perfect. I have so many damn cracks that most of my days are spent filling them, but I’m doing my best. Maybe I’ll learn a better way. Maybe this is the best way. Only time will tell but by the time I figure it out, I might be too old to care, or dead, in which case, I won’t have to stress about it anymore.
(Come on, you knew I was going to get dark at some point.)
Anyway, thanks for hanging for the rant. I hope you are not spending too much time wondering if your coping mechanisms are wrong, because in the end, they are ours and we do what we must in order to continue on, to find moments of joy, and to try to be part of this strange experiment we call society. I dear readers will try and continue to do the same.
Until next time,
Millie
This month's Moment of Peace
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